unseen, unmet

I need to hold this grief inside my hands

I want to take it out

I want to inspect it

I need to understand if I really need it

Have I mourned enough?

Does Atlas know I miss them?

How can I miss someone I never met?

Does this mean I’m stuck in the past?

How do I make it stop?

So. Yeah.

I need to take it out of my chest. The grief.

I need to inspect it.

Knowing it won’t bring my baby back

Who knows why Atlas would have been like

Knowing it won’t bring me back

Who knows if she could have survived this

So I need to take this grief out of my stomach  and hold it in my hands

I need to understand her

I need to feel for the sharp edges that

Find new ways to pierce me year after year

Month after month

Day after day

hour after hour

I need to find a way to cover up those parts

The pain button - I wanna stop that up with something good and sticky.

This way I can look at babies without thinking of my own

I need to figure out how I can put it away somewhere else

Where I can keep it safe

and in turn keep Atlas safe

and somehow keep me safe

Because then, I won’t be scared of baby showers

Or of November, July and December.

It has to be done because I need to rise

And I don’t know how to rise with this inside.